Out There

I’m sick. Not just with the flu. I’m sick of my life. All I do is wake up, spend the day at uni, and come home. What am I doing here? Is there some concealed reason or hidden purpose for my life that I have yet to discover…or is this it? Right now, living this life, I feel like I know every single thing that is going to happen to me from now till the day I die. I will graduate, get married, work, have kids, and die. Most of the time, that’s how it goes. But I don’t want to wake up one morning, when I’m 80, sit there and realize: I’ve missed out. I do feel like I’m missing out on some sort of adventure out there. Someone told me that I should work in a job in which I travel a lot, because I would be perfect for that. Another person told me that my house is too small for me (not in the literal sense, of course). My university is too small for me. Al Ain is too small for me! I feel so trapped, that my hands are tied, and I’m being held back. I feel like there’s so much more in me, but all these rules, all these traditions, all these customs, are just holding me down, and locking me up, and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get out. And if there really isn’t anything out there that is different from what I’m getting here (and that is what EVERYBODY is telling me) then what’s the harm in my just trying? I want to see for myself. Can someone help me get out of Al Ain? Is there like a scholarship for going abroad anywhere? I do well in Uni (not like there’s much of a challenge here, which is one of the reasons I want to leave)? Is there someone who likes traveling who can marry me (not u wawie!!). I’m not ugly really! Hhehe.
I want to be someone else. I really do feel like there’s a life out there for me, beyond this: waking up at 12.00, chilling in uni till 7.00 pm, going home to watch TV, and sleeping. It feels like there’s been this energetic, wanting-to-be-in-the-field, overly ambitious and curious person “in the making”, and she's just waiting to be let out. But I’m running out of patience. What am I waiting for?
I really want to make a difference. I want to save a life. I want to meet someone who has done something amazing (anything amazing) that he/she would be remembered for even after they die. I want to do something special like go somewhere where I can help people (or even just one family…person…child) overcome poverty. I don’t want to just give money to the Red Crescent and get praised by society. I want to actually be there, see what it’s really like, and actually FEEL. I want to travel. I want to meet people of all cultures and customs. I want to be in a different country and actually live there and take pictures, and have stories to tell. Most of all, I want to learn. I want to learn SO MUCH. But living here I’m becoming like the people around me: I’m refusing what I know little about as something I shouldn’t know about. I don’t see me as “alive” when I sit at home, watch TV, and wait for a rich dude to propose. Plus, what if I marry someone who is not in the least bit interested in that stuff? I know I’m totally going against the spoilt, pampered, lazy princess waiting-to-be-swept-off-her-feet persona that most people around me are accustomed to, but these thoughts have been harassing me for ages now. I know I’M JUST 19. I’ve heard this over and over and OVER again. People say that AS IF my life is going to be different when I’m 20,21,22,23….IT’S GOING TO BE JUST THE SAME. People say that like once I’m older I’m going to overcome this need to want to be out in the world. I WILL NOT. I will still have the urge to learn, but it will be muddled up in bitterness and resentment because I never got a chance to do it.
I want to be unlike all the girls around me (and day by day I discover that I am becoming more and more superficial, uncaring, and unaware of what is going on outside this bubble) and leave this life that has been all planned out for me: I want to realize my own course in life, and I’m really discontented living everyone else’s idea of how I should live my life.
If I stay here I’ll drown.