I Love You

If you were in love with someone- I mean really in love: not the superficial kind of love that fades away once you get to know the person you think you love, not the external kind of love that is mostly physical or materialistic even, not the apparent love that you want to show off to the world (yeah, I’m dating him/her {gleeful smile}, isn’t she/he so totally hot?), and not the love that you frantically create for fear of being lonely (the love that you envisage when you are fearful of being alone doesn’t make you any less lonesome, because if you don’t really love a person they can’t actually fill up those void nights when you need someone, except perhaps on the surface. Once you embrace lonesomeness and learn that being lonesome is a condition everyone has to live through, then finding true love as opposed to finding a boredom-eliminating companion is much easier. Anyway, drifting off the topic…) Like I was saying, if you were in love with a person, the kind of love that you know will last forever (the true meaning of “I will love you forever”), no matter who else comes into your life, the kind of love that is there because you truly love that person for their persona (not just for their looks, money, societal status, or any other chosen category). The kind of love that is so precious you want to cradle it in your arms, you fear letting the world know because you’re afraid talking about it will jinx it, the kind of love that somehow pops into your heart, or grows in it leisurely and gradually until you can’t even breathe, it overwhelms you and almost controls your every move: if you were in that kind of love, and the person that you loved was out of reach (married, has a boyfriend/girlfriend, or some other situation that makes that person tied to someone else) and is (and you know this) incapable of returning your love or being free for you, would you tell them? I mean, it makes sense when someone is unattached. I’m all for telling a person you love them…well, maybe you shouldn’t take my advice because I say I love you to almost everybody, to me they are just words and they make people feel good so if I am happy with a friend/cousin/sibling etc. I don’t mind using those words, because it is always pleasing and flattering when you hear someone say that they love you, and when you say it back it’s a kind of a… release? Like liberation from all fear of using those three words. To me when you really love a person, yes, you do tell them, but you also show them because words are just that…words. If and when I really love a person (in the way I described earlier) then I will not contend with just telling him, I would show him: respect and admire him, cherish and treasure him, make things work no matter what…But I know for sure that I would never be able to tell a person I know is attached that I love him. I am too proud to tell a guy I love him knowing that he cannot return my love. I am too conscious of what their partner would think. I am too aware that I would hate it if someone did that to me. I am too fearful that love is too strong a word to throw around (when it is real love). You may disagree. You may say that it is of no harm to tell someone you love him or her, even if they are attached. Or you might say that the person you love could be discontented in their relationship, and is already looking for a way out. Or you might conclude that you need to tell the person you love that you love them, just for them to know that you are there for them, always. Sorry but that so does not make sense to me. I think it could be detrimental if you tell a person who is say, married or involved in a serious relationship, because first of all you have no right to. That person is taken and has chosen to be with someone else. That person is in a relationship, and telling them you love them may not just compromise your friendship with them, as they may no longer see you as a friend but as a person who loves them (and that changes just about everything); it is also hurtful to their partner, because if I was someone’s girlfriend/wife and someone told my boyfriend/husband they love him, I would think: why? Why are you doing that? Why would you tell him you love him if you know that we are together? Plus it is also hurtful to you, because the person whom you told you love will be cautious around you, and in some cases happy and flattered that you told them, in most cases will wish you hadn’t, so things could go on as they had before. Of course, this is all a matter of opinion. Next point, if you think that the person you love is unhappy in a relationship, don’t you think they would get out of it? Forget novel romances, forget fairytale stories, forget touching movies about men whom sweep women off their feet and rescue them from the wicked spouse, in real life: if a person is with someone, no matter how bad you may see it as, the only thing you should do is advice them, but not tell them you love them. First of all they may see your advances as threatening (you are going too far telling them you love them). Second of all, no matter what you say they will take your advice as just a scheme of yours to make them break up with whoever they’re with so that you can have them. Again, you should keep it to yourself. Third point, if you want the person you love to know that you will always be there for them, show them. Be there for them. Don’t tell them you love them because that will just bamboozle things (hehe, I like that word). I really think that it is crossing the line when someone is in a relationship and you still confess your love. I repeat, I am all for telling a person you love them, if they are unattached, but I truly believe it is genuinely selfish on your part if you tell me you love me, knowing that I am involved with someone else. Because that does not help anybody except perhaps make you feel better knowing that you have tried all you could. And yes, even though I do believe that most good things are taken and if you want it for yourself you should go for it, the only time I would accept a confession of love is when that person is absolutely sure the person they love will respond positively, like say: Oh God, I was waiting for you to say that. Just let me call it quits with **** and we’ll move in together. Or perhaps if you’re interested in them for an affair, which is of course a different topic altogether because if you think someone is good enough for an affair, then I don’t think you really love them. In which case, how would you feel if someone told your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner that they love them for the sole purpose of having an affair?
I love love, and I love being told I’m loved, but if I was engaged or married it would only be acceptable if a friend tells me in a way that serves no ulterior motives, meant purely in the soul of friendship, and only if there are no other intentions behind it. Otherwise I see it as purely self-serving, self-interested, and totally fruitless (what would you get out of it?)

p.s. These are all thoughts and are not intended for anyone specifically, I'm talking generally based on something I thought of...Really.
No, really!

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Posted by: njoolinjooli on Buzznet

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Posted by: njoolinjooli on Buzznet

(yaaawn)...still sleeping...nothing new happening in my life anyway...g'nite...(yawn)

Planning Sucks

Is it true that when you plan things, they don’t work out? Because that’s the way it seems to be with me. I can’t recall any situation where I planned something and it actually worked out. I applied to two universities a year after I graduated high school, and since most of my friends went to one, I made plans on what to do when I got there. But then I got accepted to the other university I applied to, the one I didn’t plan to go to, and the one I planned to go to told me: next year. I couldn’t wait another whole year, so here I am, in a university I didn’t plan to go to. I planned to get married by the time I was 20, I am 20, still not married, and no plans to for a while (just in case it is true, in which case if I keep planning then I will never get married). I planned that since I was lucky to have thin eyebrows, that I would only pluck my eyebrows when I got married, so that I would look different. I started plucking a few months ago, and I truly regret it. It does make you look older. I planned that even though I’m not overweight, I would exercise, to stay healthy and keep in shape; and also to get used to it so even when I’m married (with much greater chances of gaining weight) I would be so used to working out that I would stay thin forever. Hard labor (exercise) still bores me, and the only form of exercise I’ve had for the last month was dancing (that counts, right?). Every single time I plan an outing with my cousins, I swear, SOMETHING comes up to ruin it. Ask my cousin Saeeda. I made a bet with her one day about something we were sure was going to happen, and I told her if we planned on it, it wouldn’t happen. Sure enough, it didn’t. Ane when we were sure something would definetly NOT happen, it did. All that planning gone to waste, and now, like me, she is a firm believer that you should never plan anything. Most of the time if it’s a last minute, hey let’s do this thing, then everything goes well. Last time I made major plans to go to AD and what I would do when I got there, and I was sure nothing could happen to ruin my plans, for some reason everything got cancelled (I don’t remember why, but I’m sure I wrote a post on that). And a few weeks ago, mom decided, out of the blue, to drive to AD, it was totally unplanned, and I ended up having a great time for a couple of weeks. For my cousin’s wedding, I had planned to buy a nice, golden gown from a boutique in Al-Ain. I also planned that we would go to AD a few days before the wedding so we could…plan some more. I told the boutique to hold the dress for me. When I went back the dress was gone, I went to another shop and bought my last-minute decision short cream dress, on the SAME day of the wedding (yes, the plan to go to AD a few days earlier got messed up too!).
Does this post have a point?
Yes, to make this speculation more than just a theory: since I’ve been back from AD, I’ve been making plans for when I was to go back (which was to be today) and what I would do once I got there. Unsurprisingly, mom’s car broke down last night, and we’re not going. I have to call all three cousins and tell them I won’t be able to see them for a while now. It’s not like they’re going to change any of their plans, but I AM GOING TO MISS OUT.
Is someone out there trying to tell me something?
By the way, when I wake up, I might delete this post. It’s 11.38 am, and I’ve been awake since yesterday 4.00 pm, which means 19 straight hours of watching TV and reading Jeffrey Archer. I’m not thinking straight.I’m going to try to stay awake a bit longer, see how long I can take it without sleep, and milk this lack-of-sleep-high as much as possible. Results of this experimentation in my next post.

Out of Reach.

I haven’t the strength to cry anymore… I’ve given up… I’m giving in…I can’t fight for more out of you, I can't fight you... Anymore... You’re so out of reach.
You hide your pleasure to see me… But I catch a glimpse of it! In that split second when you first see me… Before you hastily disguise it with indifference… Before you start pretending and professing… That the one thing you would like to do… Is get away from me… You’re so out of reach.
I think you take pleasure in this, You are cruel (God how I love you) You like knowing that you have the upper hand... Its what you want, or nothing. And I can’t have nothing. (God how I love you) You’re so out of reach.
Is this what you want? To stay close enough for me to believe I can get a hold of you… Only to realize that you’re just at the tip of my fingers…Not quite close enough for me to touch you. You’re closed up and distant, even when you’re sitting right next to me. And I can’t break that icy shield you have wrapped yourself with...
It sometimes surprises me when you show me how much you really love me...Overpoweringly warming is that rich love of yours… Sometimes so sizzling it scalds me… Reducing me to ashes… No… Reducing me to nothing. And sometimes you can become so cold... So very bitter.
Sometimes I imaging I can see through that unemotional mist you cover your street-wise eyes with... But when will I learn? You’re so out of reach. And I’ve given up. I’m giving in. If I can’t have all of you, little is better than nothing. If this is what you want, if this is what you need... To get your high out of this relationship...Then have it your way. I can’t fight you anymore. I’ll be content; this is the price I pay... For loving a man so out of reach.

Out of reach...

Out of reach...
Posted by: njoolinjooli on Buzznet

Baby Ali and Sara

Ali Baba (7 months) and Sara (4 years) - the little hyperactive cutie pie who got lost in the park...

Salma

Ready to tackel whoever the hell's been taking her pictures all day...damned paparazzi...babies shud all do like tommy lee and attack!!!

Baby Salma Caught By Surprise

The Original Ali Baba

Carrying baby Salma, first time I see my brother looking adorably at anything...

My little cousin Ali

Ali Baba minus the 40 thieves...(yeh, he's the one who rolled off the bed...) He's just a mini version of my brother, Ali.

Saeeda and Salma

With baby Salma looking a little uncomfortable now...

My Cousin and her niece

My cousin Saeeda and her niece Salma looking very comfortable

My Grandma with baby Salma

That's a great-grandmother right there...Mashalla

Moolz being Crazy

(Yeah, at the edge of stairs)

Back

Hey people, I’m back. After that last post I figured I couldn’t handle it, had to pack up and leave. Was planning to get away only for the week-end, but decided to stay a few days longer, and then a few days longer…
I had a great time. Yes, I hate Abu Dhabi weather and what it does to my hair, I hate it that it is so hot, I hate the humidity, I hate that whenever a girl goes out a guy has to flirt with her (actually I don’t) but I LOVE the people who live there (mainly, my family). I spent some time with my cousin Saeeda and I learnt a lot about taking care of babies (Saeeda’s sister just had a baby, the little one is just over a month old and certainly the cutest little being I’ve ever laid eyes on, I’ll post her picture). But let’s just say I won’t be having any children of my own any time soon. Then I spent some time with my cousin Yusra, chilled with her brother’s wife (the one who got married a month ago). I still haven’t managed to have a whole conversation with her, the house is so crowded, but I can tell she’s perfect for my cousin. I love happy weddings, especially successful arranged marriages. It makes me believe that sometimes parents do know best. Anyway, I spent some time with my uncle’s little baby (the one who refuses to cry). He bites his tongue and always looks like he is in deep thought when he does that. Probably wondering what to laugh about next. Sadly, no success in trying to make him cry yet. He is too happy, mashalla. I think I would rather have a baby boy. They’re less fussy. But then again, two incidents made me realize that having kids is such a great responsiblity, greater than I ever thought. One was losing my little cousin, 4 years old, in the park. Her name is Sara and she is truly hyperactive. We were sitting on the grass and suddenly she got up and decided to leave. By the time we managed to get up and start after her, she was off to some underground tunnel and running. We lost sight of her and that's when we panicked. She still has no concept of danger, is not afraid of strangers, and is very trusting. The 3 of us split up to look for her and my cousin asked a man if he saw a little girl in blue. He said yeah, she ran off to the road (on the main street!). Finally we found her, and the moment Sara saw my cousin (my cousin later told us) she looked scared, and then relieved, and then angry, and said loudly "Areeed Mama!!!" (I want mom). So maybe that means she did experience some fear when she realized we weren't playing a game anymore. The other incident was having my other cousin, 7 months old, drop from the bed. It's not as bad as it sounds. We put him in the middle of the bed and decided that if he wanted to roll over, he would either roll to the left or to the right. So we placed a blanket on either side of him. Then we sat on the floor and started playing cards. A few minutes into the game we heard this great "thump" and I got dizzy with fear. I kept searching the bed for him but I couldn't see him anywhere. Finally my cousin noticed two little feet sticking up from under a blanket, on the floor, and I pulled the blanket up, and there was my baby cousin. Needless to say, he was laughing his little head off. He had decided to roll frontwards, since on both sides of him there were barriers, and he fell with the blanket on top of him. Luckily he dropped onto a mattress that we were sitting on. It was a funny incident, we were laughing like crazy, especially cause the little one seemed to want to do it again. But I'm afraid to think what would have happened if there was no mattress. So yeah, no kids any time soon. It would probably also mean that I'd have to grow up, and I really have no intentions of doing that anytime soon.
I also met up with my grandmother and aunt. Yes, they did the whole pitying me for not having my dad around thing. But I didn’t mind so much this time, I actually found it amusing. My cousin and I cracked up every time they swore at my dad for leaving. It’s like, he is their own son/brother and yet they enjoy trashing him so much. Besides, Swahili swearing is HILARIOUS. They come up with all sorts of analogies. It was too funny to take seriously. Its like when a mother complains about her son, but she does so lovingly, you know? “Your father is so immature, he is SUCH a womanizer!” with just a little hint of pride right there. Really amusing.
I went to another wedding this weekend and for the first time I’ve been to an Arab wedding where the bride was not timid or coy at all. She walked down the isle and every time someone would snap a picture she would actually strike a pose, lift up a shoulder, wink, and giggle at the camera. It was absolutely adorable. Next night they had a big dinner party and she belly-danced like you wouldn’t believe. I loved it. One of the girls explained to me that she was the youngest child of this millionaire in Dubai, and she was the last of his daughters to get married, and that she was absolutely spoiled and indulged with anything she ever wanted, and now she was leaving her mom and dad and moving to AD to be with the man she loves. I danced with her a bit and I think I would love to be that outgoing and unreserved at my own wedding, instead of the usual bashful, nervous, coy look that most brides go for.
So much talk of weddings! Must be boring you out of your minds!
Oh, yeh, and I had a great birthday. I sat at my cousin’s place and watched TV, and had some cake and tea later on. Turning 20 is cool, but I still wish I could have stayed 18 for the rest of my life. I just got home and I’m going to bed. Hope you all missed me.

Baby Salma

Baby Salma
Posted by: njoolinjooli on Buzznet

You can tell she's hot-tempered by the constant frown, but she's actually really sweet most of the time.

Tristeza

Lonely Home

I’m sitting in this house, looking for someone to talk to. Funny how such a boisterous house – TV switched on all day long, play station 2 football games in the sitting room, CDs blasting in my room, all the while everybody’s on their phones – yet I sit and feel deserted and alone. I try to talk to her, I actually think we’re making progress (in the me: speaking, her: listening department), but then I realize there’s a blank look in her face, she has no idea what I just said. She lives in her own world and it’s very hard to get her back here, away from her contemplations and problems. Now even when she is listening I suspect that she isn’t, and I can never be sure. I ask her to repeat what I just told her, but I know she's just repeating the last thing she heard. I can’t really relate or truly connect to friends from uni because although we live in the same country, we’re from different worlds. And I do tend to become a little shallow when around them ;) which is not the point of trying to talk to a person. I really hope I end up marrying someone who knows so much about the world, so much that I don’t know, that I would be awed every time he opened his mouth. I want to talk to someone I can learn from, even if they know little more than I know. Just someone who has been around and knows what they're talking about. Intelligent people, or just people who know more than I do (while making me feel really stupid) fascinate and completely mesmerize me. There is nothing more captivating to me than a person who has traveled and knows a lot about other people...other lives, completely different than ours.
I can squeeze in a few conversations with the other lady, but there’s hardly much I can talk about with an 80-plus year-old lady, and my grasp of Swahili isn’t that amazing so we usually end up arguing about what we ‘meant’ to say. That leaves me with him, but in the last few years we have grown apart and he is in his own world. He has his own problems, his own issues; his own fights…his own life. Plus he does tend to get a bit sarcastic, a lot of the times mocking, and very insensitive so I feel like instead of making the effort to talk to him, I avoid making conversation. He is a genius, a charmer, can win over a crowd within seconds, and is exactly the kind of guy I want to learn from, but he only gives you real information on general issues when he is making fun of your lack of knowledge, not just so you can know. He is still the bearer of all my secrets, it’s just difficult to talk to him because he picks on every word, and kind of misses the point of what I’m trying to tell him just because of the words I choose to use. 90% of the time they are all out and occupied with their own lives, and I feel abandoned. I don’t blame them, it’s just that I feel like when I am at home I have to beg for attention, and I crave anyone who gives me any attention at all. But they’re so busy wrapped up in their own worlds they don’t realize that time is passing so quickly, things are changing as the seconds tick by, every split-second of our time together is precious and valuable, and yet we seem to try to keep ourselves busy, and our lives full of hectic activity, until we become unavailable to those who need us.
The part that hurts is, I have 2 years left before I graduate, and get married, and I will be out of their lives forever. 2 years seems too little for us to catch up on years worth of feeling neglected. Yes they can say that we will still meet, we will still be family, we will make time to spend with each other: if you're practical you'll know that soon I will have my own family, my own job, my own problems, my own life. And we will never get this back again. I'm not saying drop everything so you can come talk with me. I'm saying, at least once a day, we should have one real conversation about things that are hurting us/making us happy/troubling us. But even that gets the standard: "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, I have a lot of my mind..." followed by a listing of all the problems that make me feel guilty for even attempting to talk about anything that is upsetting me. One day we'll wake up, realized that all those years have passed in a flash, and say: where has it all gone?
Sitting at home, in my own home, is the loneliest I can ever be, and attention-seeking as I am, I do my best to get out of here and spend time with my ever-so-loving and totally company-keeping cousins, and get out of the house where everything else is priority over spending time with family.
And they wonder why I hate coming home.

My favorite 5 actors for totally superficial reasons...

Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson

This one I can say (even though I personally think this is the case with all of them) but I'm sure in his case no one will disagree: talent AND looks...

Ryan Phillippe

Ryan Phillippe

Perfect Phillippe...Just perfect.

Josh Hartnett

Josh Hartnett

Josh Stole-My-Hart-nett

Brendan Fraser

Brendan Fraser

Could'nt find one with his T-shirt on...but even if I did...

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt

2 of him, just cuz he's effing hot...

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt

A girl can dream...