Exhale

Finals are over.
I am done.
I am free.
It's all...all...all over.

(till next semester at least).

Nowwwww....

Now what?

chill yo'!!

Instead of bothering with the secretary, next day I took a shortcut (and a break from all the written work and official crap)... I called Dr. J, the campus director, and asked her for 200. She said sure, come up to my office.
We got the money and we had a great movie night. I know things usually have to go through the right channels but sometimes the right channel is the easiest channel. And sometimes people really need to know how to chill.

Conversation with Secretary of Student Affairs

We're thinking about having an Open Day. Inviting families and stuff to see the University. Dr. J and Mr. R came up with the idea, and they asked us for help.
I never heard about this. Sorry. I don’t trust you. How can I trust you?
(THEY asked us)
I asked girls to give me back the coupons and they lost them.
(We didn't know about this. Frankly, we don't care.)
I don’t know whom to trust. Tell me, how can I trust the girls? Since when do they do anything they promise to do?
(We always do what we're told. Stop generalising.)
You want to have an Open Day? Excuse me?(high pitched) I haven’t even approved that. Anyway you have to send me a proposal first.
Sigggghhhh. We have the proposal ready. We've already had our first event-coordinating meeting.
Well, even if you do send me a proposal I haven’t decided to have an Open Day.
(You haven't decided? Are you kidding? You're a 23 year-old secretary who's job is to send proposals to management for approval)
I don’t trust girls. What happened in the Ramadan Event proved to me that girls couldn’t be trusted.
We did all the work, and it was a success, even though there were some problems, nobody knew but us.
I know you planned it, but it was my responsibility. And if I decide that you can have the Open Day, if it goes wrong, then I’m the one who will be responsible for this, and I can’t handle the students making mistakes...
(But we'll be doing and supervising all the work)
...because then all the blame will be on me if anything goes wrong. I’m not screaming at you, I trust you, but I’m angry. I gave girls coupons and they still haven’t brought them back.
(What do the coupons have to do with us?)
I’ve been asking about them for weeks now. Besides, where’s your Calendar of Events?
We were told that we're coordinating with the Abu Dhabi Student Council.
Oh, well that was Ms. Sophie.
(And how should we know we should listen to you and not to her? Besides, she's your senior. We've known her for 3 years. We've known you for 2 months. Who do YOU think we'll listen to?)
Didn’t I ask you to do it ages ago? Anyway since you haven’t brought it, we’re going to work on the calendar of events I suggested, and you have to stick to it.
Ok -like we care - we're here to talk to you about having a movie night.
You want to have a movie night? Sorry you need to go through the right channels first, I need a proposal.
Sighhhh. I've sent you the proposal already.
I didn’t see it. (talk about being negative.)
Sighhhh. Check your mail.
My mail? Ok let me check. Oh, here it is. Anyway, you can’t have it unless the Campus Director has approved.
We saw her last week. She's eager about movie night.
Oh, you’ve seen her already? Well then, I still have to send a proposal to the Abu Dhabi Head of Student Affairs. (OMG)
I’m sorry, things like this take a long time.
We've arranged the moving of furniture and accessing the computer with Mr. A from General Services.
You already talked to General Services?
YES!! EVERYTHING IS DONE! WE HANDLED IT ALL.
They’ve approved?
YESSSS! WE ONLY NEED A 200 DHS LOAN!
200 Dhs?
FROM THE BUDGET, YES. AND IT'S ONLY A LOAN.
And you’ll pay it all back?
YESSS!
Still it’s under such short notice I doubt that anyone will give you an approval this soon. (My God she was being so pessimistic. In my head i thought: You have till Wednesday to just say: Yes. You don't need to do ANYTHING but sign the paper.)
Anyway, I always do and do and do things for students, but when I ask for one thing they never do it for me. I gave two girls the coupons and they haven’t given them back to me until now. (But what's that got to do with us?)
I gave one of the boys a coupon, and he came back with 1500 Dhs the same day.
(So?)
These girls have had the coupons since October!
(So?)
How am I going to reach them, huh?
(I dunno. I don't even care.)
Tell me, how should I trust girls?
Silence.
No, tell me, really, how can I trust them?
Long pause. (I'm just staring at her face when I suddenly realize she really expects an answer.
I don't answer anyway.)
I do things for girls and I expect them to trust me, and they should expect me to trust them. Anyway I’m not yelling at you...
(she was freaking screaming till there were tears in her eyes)
...I’m just telling you I have so much work and nobody is helping me and I can’t trust people to do anything anymore. Everyday they throw problems over my shoulder.
Rrrrringgggg!!!
See, the phone’s ringing? That’s another problem again. Dr. J the Campus Director saw me today, she told me to go home, but I said noooooo I have such an important meeting with the girls. I only stayed here for you.
(Really? Not to flirt with Mr. S then?)
I do all this stuff for you and all I want is the coupons.
(AGAIN with the coupons!)
Anyway, I need 8 girls to help with the Orientation Day by the 13th, can you find anybody? I need to be sure, you have to give me names by tomorrow at 2.00…………………………….”
ARE YOU SERIOUS? Yakhi 7illi 3anee your voice is giving me a migraine.)

I really don't know if I should feel sorry for her cuz she was having a bad day or upset that she was undermining ALL the work the Student Council has done without her help (not that she could do much anyway), or just plain sorry that she does not know how to act professional around people when she's stressed.

Why waste time?

I can’t talk to her. It’s not like she can’t hear me, it’s like it takes a really long time for her to soak up what I’m talking about. Not like when old people have a sluggish conception of what us young ‘uns talk about, but like she is on a planet of her own, and she lives in it more than she does here. It’s not exactly a flight of thoughts that sometimes captivates her, but a place where she re-enacts all the day’s scenarios in her head over and over again, rerunning the moments and re-thinking how she would have handled every situation. I even see her nod, frown, smile, while driving or cooking, and I know she's having that conversation in her head over and over again.
I tried being tolerant. I know when her eyes become cloudy, or when she nods and smiles, and she’s really not there. I’d say a joke and at the end of it she’d be, “aha…and then?” and I’d have to repeat it all over again.
Or I’d tell her something and she’d say “Ok,” and then next day I would ask her and she would swear she didn’t hear me say it.
It’s like talking to a person with a headset on, listening to really heavy music, all day long. Imagine trying to talk to a person in that condition. After a while it gets so exasperating you just give up.
She says she can’t help it. But I do have a small attention deficiency problem myself. I get sidetracked a lot, and I’m tremendously inattentive sometimes. But I can handle getting myself back to reality. And I do listen when I can see someone has something they want to tell me. She? she kind of blocks me off when I start to talk. I’d be so excited about something and she’d be like, okkkkk, you’ll stop chattering now right? And it would hurt so much.
I’d come home from university and I’d have so many things to say and she always (I mean always) says: Ohhh I’m so tired now I can’t listen to you. And that would hurt so much too.
I’d start talking to her when she seems rested and she goes: Sweety you talk all the time.
It really, really hurts.
And I want to scream that I have so many things to say but you always cut me off I never get a chance to finish.
I like chatting, yes, but only with Wawie and Maha. Those are the people I can spend hours talking to. But with her, I have particular things and unpleasant incidents, or even some occurrence that I don’t understand, and I want to tell her. And she doesn’t seem concerned in anything I have to say. She doesn’t even make the effort to try to listen before letting me know that what I have to say is insignificant. She says she’s busy, she’s tired, she needs a break, and I would truly buy it if once, just once, she listened to one episode I had to tell her and not tell me she was worn-out, or not make me repeat it three or four times. Sometimes I think she intentionally waits for me to get up and start walking away, aggravated at my unsuccessful attempts to get a sentence through, before she says: Ok I’ll listen. And she always has to add: "but make it quick." I say, it's nothing. It's not important. And I can see the relief on her face.
I’d buy it if I never saw her spend hours (I swear, hours) on the phone with other people. It makes me think that whatever they have to say is much more important than anything I have to say. Sometimes it is. Most of the time, it isn’t.
I’d buy it if I saw her say the same thing to my brother when he has something to say (but then again, his presence is so demanding even if I’m trying not to listen to him, I still do). Plus he has this influence…he makes you listen. I cannot harass a person to listen to me.
I’d buy it all if it were believable. But it’s not. I spend all day in university talking to people I have nothing in common with, who have such fundamentally different viewpoints and ways of life, but I put up with all of it, and by 8.00 pm I’m so frustrated I want to scream, all I want to do when I get home is have a decent conversation with someone on a higher wavelength, just to get the monotony, unimaginativeness, unoriginality and blandness out of my system. I love her, but I make an effort to talk. She never makes the effort to listen. Even though I don't feel it now, I'm sure I miss her (I'm just pretending to be strong and enjoying the "I don't need anybody" attitude.
I now know what it’s like when someone says: “You’re not here.” For me I always thought, if a person is right in front of you, they’re there. What are you complaining about? But now I know. Some people are never there. Even when they’re just inches away from you. And you miss them. And then you are mad at them. And then you sigh, and give up.
I don’t remember the last time I attempted a conversation with her. Last time we were alone together it was a two-hour trip. And I didn’t say a word. I put Evanescence on my mobile and listened on my headset the whole time, for two hours, and she didn’t even look my way. And I didn’t notice that this was the first time we hadn’t talked on a road trip until we reached and I thought, My God I usually look forward to time alone with her, now I dread it.
I tried putting myself in her shoes. I’m on my feet from 9.00 am (I wake up at 8.00 am, and am at university by9.00) and stay on my feet till 9.00 pm (she picks me up from school at 9.45 or so). I don’t go home for an afternoon nap. I order junk food for lunch. I drink 3 cups of coffee at least. I wear heals. I only sit when I’m at class (5 classes) and the rest of the time I’m walking around planning events and checking up on stuff. I also climb stairs. I know she’s on her feet from 9.00am till 2.00pm, goes home to sleep, and back to work from 5.00pm till 9.00pm. Sometimes she spends all day. But when I come home it’s time for me to study for exams, do homework, and do some reading for my Readings in English Short Stories, and some research on the Study of Language, English Phonetics and Phonology, Contrastive Analysis of Arabic and English, and some readings on contemporary English literature. In that order.
SO I REALIZED I SHOULD BE MORE TIRED THAN HER AT THE END OF THE DAY?
And now I’m upset. Why do I bother? Why do I care?
You know what? I don’t give a shit. I have much more important things to do in my life, much more important people to talk to, and I have a life. My mom doesn’t seem to care what I do, whom I talk to, who I meet, or whatever weird incident or experience I went through.
Fuck it.
(walking away.)