Why waste time?

I can’t talk to her. It’s not like she can’t hear me, it’s like it takes a really long time for her to soak up what I’m talking about. Not like when old people have a sluggish conception of what us young ‘uns talk about, but like she is on a planet of her own, and she lives in it more than she does here. It’s not exactly a flight of thoughts that sometimes captivates her, but a place where she re-enacts all the day’s scenarios in her head over and over again, rerunning the moments and re-thinking how she would have handled every situation. I even see her nod, frown, smile, while driving or cooking, and I know she's having that conversation in her head over and over again.
I tried being tolerant. I know when her eyes become cloudy, or when she nods and smiles, and she’s really not there. I’d say a joke and at the end of it she’d be, “aha…and then?” and I’d have to repeat it all over again.
Or I’d tell her something and she’d say “Ok,” and then next day I would ask her and she would swear she didn’t hear me say it.
It’s like talking to a person with a headset on, listening to really heavy music, all day long. Imagine trying to talk to a person in that condition. After a while it gets so exasperating you just give up.
She says she can’t help it. But I do have a small attention deficiency problem myself. I get sidetracked a lot, and I’m tremendously inattentive sometimes. But I can handle getting myself back to reality. And I do listen when I can see someone has something they want to tell me. She? she kind of blocks me off when I start to talk. I’d be so excited about something and she’d be like, okkkkk, you’ll stop chattering now right? And it would hurt so much.
I’d come home from university and I’d have so many things to say and she always (I mean always) says: Ohhh I’m so tired now I can’t listen to you. And that would hurt so much too.
I’d start talking to her when she seems rested and she goes: Sweety you talk all the time.
It really, really hurts.
And I want to scream that I have so many things to say but you always cut me off I never get a chance to finish.
I like chatting, yes, but only with Wawie and Maha. Those are the people I can spend hours talking to. But with her, I have particular things and unpleasant incidents, or even some occurrence that I don’t understand, and I want to tell her. And she doesn’t seem concerned in anything I have to say. She doesn’t even make the effort to try to listen before letting me know that what I have to say is insignificant. She says she’s busy, she’s tired, she needs a break, and I would truly buy it if once, just once, she listened to one episode I had to tell her and not tell me she was worn-out, or not make me repeat it three or four times. Sometimes I think she intentionally waits for me to get up and start walking away, aggravated at my unsuccessful attempts to get a sentence through, before she says: Ok I’ll listen. And she always has to add: "but make it quick." I say, it's nothing. It's not important. And I can see the relief on her face.
I’d buy it if I never saw her spend hours (I swear, hours) on the phone with other people. It makes me think that whatever they have to say is much more important than anything I have to say. Sometimes it is. Most of the time, it isn’t.
I’d buy it if I saw her say the same thing to my brother when he has something to say (but then again, his presence is so demanding even if I’m trying not to listen to him, I still do). Plus he has this influence…he makes you listen. I cannot harass a person to listen to me.
I’d buy it all if it were believable. But it’s not. I spend all day in university talking to people I have nothing in common with, who have such fundamentally different viewpoints and ways of life, but I put up with all of it, and by 8.00 pm I’m so frustrated I want to scream, all I want to do when I get home is have a decent conversation with someone on a higher wavelength, just to get the monotony, unimaginativeness, unoriginality and blandness out of my system. I love her, but I make an effort to talk. She never makes the effort to listen. Even though I don't feel it now, I'm sure I miss her (I'm just pretending to be strong and enjoying the "I don't need anybody" attitude.
I now know what it’s like when someone says: “You’re not here.” For me I always thought, if a person is right in front of you, they’re there. What are you complaining about? But now I know. Some people are never there. Even when they’re just inches away from you. And you miss them. And then you are mad at them. And then you sigh, and give up.
I don’t remember the last time I attempted a conversation with her. Last time we were alone together it was a two-hour trip. And I didn’t say a word. I put Evanescence on my mobile and listened on my headset the whole time, for two hours, and she didn’t even look my way. And I didn’t notice that this was the first time we hadn’t talked on a road trip until we reached and I thought, My God I usually look forward to time alone with her, now I dread it.
I tried putting myself in her shoes. I’m on my feet from 9.00 am (I wake up at 8.00 am, and am at university by9.00) and stay on my feet till 9.00 pm (she picks me up from school at 9.45 or so). I don’t go home for an afternoon nap. I order junk food for lunch. I drink 3 cups of coffee at least. I wear heals. I only sit when I’m at class (5 classes) and the rest of the time I’m walking around planning events and checking up on stuff. I also climb stairs. I know she’s on her feet from 9.00am till 2.00pm, goes home to sleep, and back to work from 5.00pm till 9.00pm. Sometimes she spends all day. But when I come home it’s time for me to study for exams, do homework, and do some reading for my Readings in English Short Stories, and some research on the Study of Language, English Phonetics and Phonology, Contrastive Analysis of Arabic and English, and some readings on contemporary English literature. In that order.
SO I REALIZED I SHOULD BE MORE TIRED THAN HER AT THE END OF THE DAY?
And now I’m upset. Why do I bother? Why do I care?
You know what? I don’t give a shit. I have much more important things to do in my life, much more important people to talk to, and I have a life. My mom doesn’t seem to care what I do, whom I talk to, who I meet, or whatever weird incident or experience I went through.
Fuck it.
(walking away.)