Too Small to See

I keep remembering this girl. In high school. We were a tight little bunch in that school – only 5 girls in grade 10, the same group of girls since third grade. Some came and went, but us 5 remained for many years, and formed our own little tight circle of friendship. I remember one of our teachers, Mrs. Keagan, said that she almost felt sorry for any new student who came to our class from another school – because she knew it would be that difficult to get in and be part of our group.
But it happened – a new girl came to our school. I admit that at times I said things and didn’t care how she felt. She was too eager to please and I didn’t like that about her. But I think the worst thing I did with her was pay no attention to her. I took no notice of her, and disregarded her every thought and opinion. I knew she was a new girl, and she was part of our class, but to me she was too small to see. Invisible. I knew that at her old school she was a great singer, and I (never told anybody about my thoughts, but since I'm being honest with myself) :in our school’s concert - I didn’t think she should sing (and she didn’t – nobody acknowledged her talent). She was a great basketball player but all she did was warm the bench. Me and my best friend were exceptionally tall but she was the one who was “too” tall. I had my hair dyed honey blonde and I wore it curly to school yet I was Goldilocks and she was the one with too much bleach a bad perm.
Sometimes I try to forget. I’m SO not proud of myself. I hear it all the time – the ones who are geeks and nerdy at school are the ones most likely to succeed. I’m not jealous. I hope its true – for all the suffering that they go through in high school, they deserve to end up the successful ones.
The truth is – I never paid much attention to her. But she was a nice girl, and all she did wrong was try too hard.
I never realized how much not noticing her hurt her until one day, as we were walking to an English class, she sort of slipped into oblivion (I didn’t notice though). I sat on my chair and then all the students were sitting, and the teacher was late. 20 minutes past and the teacher still didn’t walk in. After a while I realized that the girl wasn’t there either. And the first thing that got into my head was: Oh shit, is she going to complain? Then I realized – if I was honest with myself – that I knew what I was doing, and that I knew it was wrong. But at that time, being the falsehearted and dishonest 16-year-old that I was, I pretended I didn't care.
She walked into class and her nose was red and her eyes were swollen, and I thought: what now? I hope she’s not a drama queen.
The girl left – she went to Egypt to study. She called me a day before she was leaving the country (I still don’t know how she got my number) and she asked for forgiveness for any bad things she had said or done to me. I was a kid – I thought she was being lame. The cool kids never cared what other people thought about them. She was so desperate for others to like her.
Recently, I was climbing up some stairs, and I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I started crying, for no reason. I felt so lost, so out of place. I felt like I really had no friends, that I hated the place I was in, and most of all: I felt like nobody realized I existed. And it broke my heart. And I remembered the girl.
Now I know how it feels to be invisible. And now I know what that sweet 16-year-old had gone through. Now I know that it is better to acknowledge a person’s existence – whether you like them or not, rather than totally make them feel invisible.
And I just want to put it out there – whether she knows it or not – that I’m truly sorry for the way I acted. I should’ve known better.