Pacific Sleep

I get reprieved when I fall asleep
I get lost deep into the night
But when I wake up you’re right there
And you’re the first thing on my mind.
You never said goodbye.
Closure is beyond my fingers' reach.
How will I ever go on?

Ouchhh

I hurt my back.
It really hurts.
I can’t even breathe properly.
I’m taking tomorrow off.
It’s the first time I’ve taken off in years.
But…my back really hurts.
Sniff.
I just want to curl up and cry.
But – sob – I CAN’T BEND!

(sniff)Awwww

Tied down to your fate

Free Will Vs. Predeterminism(Mazen Inspired Post)

I’m sick of hearing: “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.” I know I’ve used this line many times, but only when it was the right time to use it. Like when I did my best to get something, and then didn’t get it, I would say: well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. But saying that I believe that everything has already been planned for us, that we are all part of some grand scheme…I don’t enjoy that very much. Predeterminism is a dreamy, sometimes impractical perception of life, some starry-eyed notion sold to people who are in grief to make them believe that there is a reason that something bad happened to them; like there's a greater plan that we're all too meager to understand. Like there's a reason bad shit happens. There isn’t a reason. Life’s a bitch. Yeah. So what? I mean, what’s the alternative?
I think we are all given a choice. We have free will. I think that everything that happens to us is based on some options that was given to us, and that we chose from, which lead us down a certain path, which now sets before us new choices which we willfully or sometimes involuntarily make. We have been given free will, and at the end of the day there is no way we can say that something happened to us that wasn’t a result of a choice we (or someone else) made. Its like saying: If it’s meant to be, I’ll pass my exam. No you won’t! If you study, you’ll pass the exam. If we’re meant to be together, we will be. No, if you make the choice to be together, then you will be together. You always have a choice, even if it’s a choice you don’t want to make. I mean, if there isn’t free will, why are we alive? Why are we here? Why do we have the choice to make either good or bad choices and then suffer the consequences: heaven, or hell, karma, etc. If we didn’t have a choice, we would just be insensible, unaware beings, living it out. But we have a conscious, don’t we? We know good from bad, we know right from wrong, we are able to differentiate the consequences of one choice as opposed to another choice. If I loved somebody, I wouldn’t say: if it were meant to be, we’d end up together (I might say that after we ended up together, to give it that romantic insinuation) but the truth is, I would tell him I loved him and tried to be with him. And if it worked out, great, and if it doesn’t, well, it would be because of a choice he or I made that stopped it from happening. Even in those great romantic stories that we only hear about in movies, when a guy who is married falls in love with another girl, leaves his wife, finds out that the girl he loves is married, and then she leaves her husband, and one day 10 years later they meet up and say: you see, nothing can come in the way of love, it was meant to be. What a load of bull. They ended up together because of choices they and many others around them have made that somehow got them to a point where they met. It wasn’t destiny. If fate were absolute, then what would be the point of living? Of making decisions? Of having choices? Of even getting up in the morning?
On the other hand, if you belong to some religion or faith (which I do) you have to allow some measure of belief in fate. Because, before we were born, we didn’t choose who are parents were, where we would be born, what kind of lives our parents would have led. Its like fate brings us only to one point, and everything that happens to us after that depends on what we do (like in that movie Serendipity – if you haven’t seen it, it basically talks about what I’ve mentioned. Good movie.)
Anyway, as I was saying, after we are born, we are set with an array of options and alternatives that we choose from. And we make them, and each choice leads us onto another choice, and so on. Yet, I have to admit, that there may be some incidents in life that are so complex, so unexplainable, that you can’t do anything but merely laugh (or cry) and say: it’s destiny. Its not as if your life has already been planned out for you and all you do is follow, and not just that the choices you make are choices that you were predestined to make, and we are all part of a world that is bigger than our grasp, a picture that has no restrictions, or isn’t confined to anything we can see in our mind's eye. It’s just I believe that what’s meant to be happens, no matter which road you take. I mean, you have to look at the bigger picture, the one at the end of the road. You can’t say, I wanna cheat fate, so I’ll go left instead of right, because fate is about the place you reach, not the road you take. You can’t cheat fate: if you were meant to be something, or do something, or have something, then it would happen. And if you weren’t, then it wouldn’t. I believe that we are given a bunch of choices, and sometimes we choose the right thing, and sometimes we don’t, but in some way fate gets you somewhere in your life, and then the rest is up to you. Like, when you meet a person and you fall in love and get married and have kids and then die, and your whole life with that person was complete. Could it be that fate got you to a point where you met that person, and then fate whispered in your ear: he’s the one. And then your choice was to either go up to him and say: hi, my name is….; or, you walk away and end up doing something else completely…? Sometimes we do believe that some events are completely out of control, and so have to believe that there must be some other force at work here. But for little things, like little decisions you make, it isn’t about letting fate take you there, its about you making the choice, knowing that fate/Higher Being/destiny or whatever already KNOWS that you were going to make that choice or choose that path or get to that main point in your life, sooner or later.
I wanted to write this out clearly but I guess my thoughts were pretty mixed up...the main point is I'm all for free will as long as we accept the fact that there are some things in life that are just meant to be that we can't control. What do you think?

Can't let go

I can see you there, looking at me, wondering what's going on. I know you love me. I know I love you. But is love really enough? Isn’t that the million-dollar question?
When I first met you, the days passed by and my love for you intensified. Days passed by and I saw the love in your eyes deepen. And then years passed by, and the swelling in my heart wore off. And the love became a routine. Saying I love you became habitual.
There are no more “moments”. There are no more surprises. But what are you going to do? Sometimes you sit and question if it’s real. Or was it just a set of circumstances that brought you together, and one way or another enforced in you the need to stay together? Because nobody is perfect. You go through people looking for the imperfections that are part of what makes them perfect, till you find the person you feel has tolerable imperfections. And people have different tastes. A person whose flaws are perfect to me may not be what you think is perfect.
And then you allow yourself to fall. And sometimes it’s just a little. And sometimes fall so deeply in love it consumes you. But then years pass by, and you forget to work on it. And everything is a pattern. A design molded on the wall of your life. And even though it needs fresh paint, you delay. And some people are weak: you take it for fear of being abandoned or alone.
Sometimes I am exactly the way you want me, and sometimes I become too much of my real self and I see the wonder in your eyes. I love you, and I’m doing my best. But all I can do is try. This is all that is contained within me, and what we have, even if it isn’t perfect, it’s real.

Caged

Caged
Posted by: njoolinjooli on Buzznet

Ant

I need to get a grip on reality. I’m out from 9.00 in the morning till 9.45 at night. What used to be a feeling of thorough monotony has now turned to downright lack of feeling. I am aware of days and nights, but I don’t really know how many hours or days have passed, or where the time goes. I don’t feel the days passing by, and at the same time they pass by too slowly. I never know what day it is. I’m basically in a region of unidentified motionlessness, like I’m in a bottomless sea and everything is moving at a snail's pace. At the same time I feel like an ant – work, work and more work, with no sense of what else is going on around me. But in the meantime, I’m getting a lot of work done. I’m also worried that if I do happen to doze off, I will sleep so deeply that I won’t wake up for a week. Luckily tomorrow is the last workday this week, and I shall get some sleep. Just wanted to pop in and say how its going. Hope all you angel face cutie pie njooli njoolis are doing ok :)

Thoughts

Why are we frightened of our thoughts? Why are we intensely bothered whenever novel thoughts pierce our head and threaten to rock the boat? Yes, we are afraid of thought. What we do everyday isn’t called thinking; it’s a repetition of what’s been done, over and over again. Basically the big Circle of Life is us repeating the same thoughts, or at least thought patterns, of whoever came before us. We’re afraid to think for ourselves. Maybe its this deep rooted, innate fear concealed deep within the wells of our souls that reminds us that those who “thought” did not live a good ol’ peaceful life, and lived long enough to see their children get married and meet their grandchildren.Oh no, if you “think”, then you are rebellious and maybe even radical. You could be a noble person and think about ways to support human rights and freedom, and when you do something about it, you end up either shot, or locked in a building on fire, or some other horrible ending in which people try to force an ending to your thinking. Malcolm X was (and may as well still be) one of the most outstanding Black Nationalist and supporters of independence (By any means necessary- now that’s a saying!). He thought, and acted on those thoughts, and was shot to death at the age of 39. Martin Luther King, one of the most momentous leaders in US history and in the history of non-violence. He was shot in the jaw. Mahatma Gandhi. John F. Kennedy. They all didn't make out too well. And we've decided we can go through life like mechanical robots programmed to go through mind-numbing days devoid of any sort of variation. We don’t need to think, because thought is destructive not only to the good people, but to the bad ones too. The ascend of Adolf Hitler to the pose of ruler (tyrant?) of Germany shows how this man’s frantic aspirations threw the world into the most horrible war in history. But he was a mastermind, yes, but worked on the other side. He didn’t end up too well either, and is probably still known as one of the most wicked men to have ever walked this earth, right along with Ivan the Terrible… That’s why we have no "giants" anymore. No giants who once walked this earth as great minds, who knew they would go down in history, and knew that their spirits would eternally thrive as gallant souls, living on in our repetition of their brave stories. But alas, we have no bad giants either. In which case, no great thinkers at all. The blood of all those giants has been shed on the pages of history so much we decided: hell no. I like my life just the way it is, thank you very much. And if ever we were lying on our own and on edge, unable to lose the image of astonishing things we want to get done, or if we are on the other side, having little hallucinations in our head of a new kind of evil that is essentially a plan to take over the world and make people give way to all our wishes: we simply just lay down our arms and surrender to our fear and say: what am I thinking?
Its like we have this mutual understanding that we should all just leave well enough alone. And then go on with in our little worlds in a universe filled with little worlds, and go on with our little lives in a world filled with little lives, and enjoy the way our little silly survival techniques help us forget that we are part of a bigger world, a world full strangers when it should be the other way around, in the perfect little house with the perfect little white fence, with a perfect little car and a perfect little child in the backseat not knowing what the future holds for him, but not caring either because he has already been programmed and predestined to follow in his family's footsteps... regardless of whether others like him are doing the same.

Quote of the day

"Get mad, then get over it."

~Colin Powell

P.S. Reminded me of something Maha told me a few days ago: GET OVER IT BASMA. Hheheh. I was complaining about the damned noise coming from the kitchen while we were trying to sleep. Love ya Njoolinjooli, you're the only one who can crack me up when I'm truly angry.