Foretelling

I recently saw a clairvoyant.Not the same one who was in Uni and read faces and hands and said that i was practical in love, materialistic, a seeker of power, and one who wud be most happy in a job that wud allow me 2 travel a lot. That one said most about personality and what i shud do to get the best out of my life.This one reads cups after ur done with coffee, and actually pokes at ur past, present and future and predicts what is going to happen to u next.It was just a fun thing to do.I don’t take “seers” seriously, cuz in Islam it’s 7aram to try to predict your future, and someone once told me that once u find out ur upcoming prospects, things don’t turn out the way they’re supposed to. Plus some things are best left unidentified and mysterious, in the past as well as in the future. But she was there, and like I said, it was just a fun thing to do. Indeed, she didn’t say much that was accurate. A lot of things weren’t true at all. A lot of things I couldn’t prove either way. But she did say one thing: that very soon I would hear bad news about a person I cared about. Now, that was the one thing that stuck in my head. Bad news meaning, something I would hate about that person? Or something bad would happen to that person? I wanted to know how I would find out, when exactly, who would tell me. She was very vague and just said: it was bad news. She told me I would feel bad, and it would be better if I kept away from that person (person X) whom the bad news was about. On Friday I did in fact receive bad news about that person X. I couldn’t prove it wrong or right. The person (person Y) who told me this bad news is someone I trust, so in my head I thought of course its true, why would person Y tell me news that they weren’t sure about? But the news was so bad about this person X that I think some how I didn’t want to believe it. I hate drama so all was over and done with really quickly, but what I need to know is: how could the spiritual lady have predicted that? Most of the things she said were circumstantial, guesses based on answers i wud give her (like she wud ask me: do u talk to ur father a lot? and i said hardly ever, and she immediately said: well ur mom is trying to keep u away from ur father ( i laughed at that one cuz mom is the only one i know who is pushing us stubborn ingrates to call our dad heheh, but obviously that was the immediate guess: kids don't talk to their dad, hmmm...that means their mom is trying to keep them away from him!!..know what i mean?) ANYWAY... things that could happen, things that happened in the past, etc. But this was an actual prediction of something that would happen in the near future, and it did happen. Could it be that it was a true foretelling? Or could it be that just because she told me I would hear bad news in a few days, and then I heard some bad news: I immediately assumed it was what she was talking about? She told me how I would feel when I heard the news, how it would change my mind about that person… details only I could know, and I did feel what she told me I would feel, but I didn’t realize it until much later when I thought: OMG, this is the bad news she was telling me about! It was freaky, kind of exhilarating, and a bit annoying cuz I thought, well, if she was right about that, will she be right about some of the other things she predicted too? Seriously though, I am very doubtful of “psychics”. I do believe there are a few extrasensory people out there, and I do believe they are gifted. But the rest I believe to be remarkable mind readers, incredible readers of body language, taking smart guesses based on answers you give them, etc. So I never take what they say to heart. But this one hit right at the mark. "You will hear bad news about a person very soon, if it were me i wud keep away from this person, you will feel annoyed but not really hurt..." And that's EXACTLY what happened.
And if it was just a lucky forecast by her then: wow. That was cool.

Quote of the day: Psychic, n. - An individual having an uncanny, seemingly supernatural, talent for extracting money from morons.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Childhood. Innocence. Purity. Inexperience. God, how I loved being young. How I enjoyed being a child. There was this whole age of total gullibility and childish wonder. We would watch Tom and Jerry. Later on Cartoon Network came into being and along with the classics we got accustomed to the Adam’s Family, Dexter’s Lab, and Johnny Bravo. Then somehow Space Toon came into being, with all their Pokemon and digital heroes, and all the kids would obsess over that and I would look at them, so preoccupied with this new world, and think: so this is what childhood is like now, huh? But it gets worse. Cinderella and Aladdin don’t mean much to kids now. They barely remember Tom and Jerry. Adam’s Family is not ‘interesting’ enough. Now, Michael Jackson is household name, and not for the same reasons he used to be! Ricky Lake is sooooo fascinating (she’s not, you can only watch screaming, swearing, unbelievably problematic people for a while before u actually start feeling good about your own problems).
Funny thing though: I remember a lot of my childhood. I remember the stories. I remember Disney Land and Micky Mouse. I remember reading my ABC books and memorizing Humpty Dumpty’s song. But I can’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up! When in my tiny baby head and my tiny baby thoughts, everything and anything was achievable, what did I want to become? When I was not frightened to fantasize, or my imaginings weren’t overshadowed by the predictions that were handed to me by society, my family, the need for money…what did I want to become? When nobody was around to convince me that I needed to find a suitable career appropriate for my life …what did I want to become? When I used to believe that what you become and what you do for a living are two very different things (when in adulthood u discover that you are what you do?) what did I want to become?
I can’t remember.
Can you?

Quote of the day: Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows.

My Planned Week :(

Uni was great. Exams are done with. The last 2 weeks of uni all I did was plan my week in AD with my friends. I was really looking forward to it. But I’ve realized something, every time I really plan for anything, it doesn’t work out. This time of course it was my mom who brought down the plans by not letting me go on Friday, saying we’ll go on Saturday. I don’t believe in delay. I think people go through a lot of problems because they postpone. Delay studying till the last minute. Delay doing homework. Delay cleaning the bedroom. Delay fixing the car. Delay going to the bank. We would get all these things done, AND many more, if we just DID NOT DELAY. But we delayed. Saturday OF COURSE mom delayed till Sunday (fully knowing that I had my heart set on this week being away from Al Ain because God knows how much I need the break.) What happened after that? She got sick. But of course. There’s no one to drive me to AD. Plans with the cousins have all been cancelled (I’m sick of making them delay their plans on account of me, so I just told them I was probably not going to make it and they could go ahead and do their thing). I wanted to see Thurayya’s new baby girl. I wanted to see my Uncle Hassan (he just got back from Yemen and he saw my dad, and I want to hear all about it, plus I want to see his little baby). I wanted to chill with Saeeda and Yusra. Most of all I wanted to hang out with my angel face cutie pie njooli njooli Maha. But of course, because of DELAY, none of that is going to happen. I swear the only thing that got me through the last 2 weeks of uni was my visualizing this one week of paradise before summer courses (which start next week, which meanst this was my only week off, and that is why I planned so much!) I had told mom my plans weeks in advance to make sure she didn’t make any changes on account of: "I didn’t know you made plans..."
I NEED AIR. I need to breathe walla I’m chocking on this sheer dullness, and I'm chocking on boredom, and I'm chocking on people's inconsiderate DELAYS to MY plans.
Last night I cried my heart out (this is how serious I took it). Today I’m much better (I’ve gotten into the “indifferent” phase – I don’t care, I’m sick of asking when are you going to take me to AD). But I think I’m just a teeny bit bitter.
Quote of the day: Boredom is like a pitiless zooming in on the epidermis of time. Every instant is dilated and magnified like the pores of the face.
Excuse me; I’m going to go scream now.

Personality

Why do people modify their personalities when they’re around other people? I realized that I tend to be a different person, depending on my surroundings. In big gatherings I’m a big flirt, and I like laughing. Well, not a big BIG flirt, I’m just really really nice. Hehhe. Who am I kidding? I love the attention. Yet there are some people I’m around (some friends) where I am totally cool and collected, and mostly nonviolent hehe. Some others bring out the worst in me: I am infuriated, all stirred up and provoked (Alooshy, my brother!!). To some people (like the secretary and treasurer of the Student Council) I am so TOTALLY professional it scares me. Like I’m gonna become one of those ruthless, hardnosed business women with a heart made of stone. I don’t hurt feelings but I do tend to be a bit (a teensy bit) dictatorial, only when I feel that nobody is taking a step in making a decision because they don’t want to take the blame if something goes wrong. With people that annoy me (I don’t think I’ve reached the level of hate yet) I never bother picking fights…I just listen to what they have to say, nod, and walk away, and if they ask me something I don’t want to answer, I smile and just look at them. The dumb ones repeat the question OVER AND OVER, but most of the time the clue hits home and they move on to the NEXT annoying question. Ofcourse when they over-do it then all the anger reserved for my brother just explodes. I know I’m rude, but only around people I know won’t take it seriously. Cousins like wawie…total pushovers heheh. Naah I’m kidding, they just don’t take me seriously. Like I would actually say: "Ok you guys are boring. I’m gonna go." Or, "You’re so short you’re like a cockroach STOP WALKING INFRONT OF ME." (I’m 5.7 so the only person I can stand tall next to is my brother who is 6.4). And then sometimes I am the listener, the one who gives advice, and sometimes, I am the talker, and someone else pulls me out of the shit hole I got myself into. Mostly I can actually see myself just switching from one persona to another, depending on the audience and their preferences. Why does that happen? I don’t know anybody who said they liked me the moment they saw me. They always say: U were cute but I couldn’t make up my mind about u. But now I love you. And in my head I’m thinking: hey, I couldn’t make my mind about YOU, and what kind of person you would like me to be.
I’m never alone. The house is always jam-packed with guests and family. And when it’s kind of empty (meaning less than 5 people) then I’m always in Uni. So what will happen when I’m really alone? Who will I meet and then realize: hey, I’m actually REALLY myself when I’m with this person. A person with whom I realize: hey, I’m not actually changing for this person. And I know people do this a lot. I know you kind of change around other people depending on how you feel about them. But for me, I don’t actually have any ‘alone’ time. I’ve never confronted myself. I’ve never been in a room in which there was no other entertainment or something to keep me busy, besides myself. And I don’t think I want to. I’m not sure how I will like me.
I wonder what I’m REALLY like. Or is this the time when I’m just discovering myself, and later on will settle on one character? God, I hope I don’t end up being “the flirt”. I would get my way in EVERYTHING (especially since the world is still owned by men – not for long though) but still ya3ni…I hope I end up being just a mixture of the flirt, the professional, and the calm and composed one.
HEY!

Silly Thought

My wishes are nothing but my thoughts that I dream, and I remember in my wake...
My dreams are nothing but notions that I reflect on, while I sleep.
And my life is a loop because all I seem to do… is wish that all my dreams would come true
But all that seems to happen is that I only dream that they do.

After A Good Night’s Sleep...

Okay…I don’t know how I got the guts to write all that, and even though I wrote what I really felt, the truth is I am grateful for the pampered life I have and perhaps am just probing the unknown because I am way too curious for my own good. But I’m sure I’m just gonna laze back and wish I was home if ever I traveled. Anyone with any comments on how I can leave is welcome to share, but I’m aiming too high. Anyway…will update soon as the flu goes so I won’t shareanything that crazy again!

Out There

I’m sick. Not just with the flu. I’m sick of my life. All I do is wake up, spend the day at uni, and come home. What am I doing here? Is there some concealed reason or hidden purpose for my life that I have yet to discover…or is this it? Right now, living this life, I feel like I know every single thing that is going to happen to me from now till the day I die. I will graduate, get married, work, have kids, and die. Most of the time, that’s how it goes. But I don’t want to wake up one morning, when I’m 80, sit there and realize: I’ve missed out. I do feel like I’m missing out on some sort of adventure out there. Someone told me that I should work in a job in which I travel a lot, because I would be perfect for that. Another person told me that my house is too small for me (not in the literal sense, of course). My university is too small for me. Al Ain is too small for me! I feel so trapped, that my hands are tied, and I’m being held back. I feel like there’s so much more in me, but all these rules, all these traditions, all these customs, are just holding me down, and locking me up, and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get out. And if there really isn’t anything out there that is different from what I’m getting here (and that is what EVERYBODY is telling me) then what’s the harm in my just trying? I want to see for myself. Can someone help me get out of Al Ain? Is there like a scholarship for going abroad anywhere? I do well in Uni (not like there’s much of a challenge here, which is one of the reasons I want to leave)? Is there someone who likes traveling who can marry me (not u wawie!!). I’m not ugly really! Hhehe.
I want to be someone else. I really do feel like there’s a life out there for me, beyond this: waking up at 12.00, chilling in uni till 7.00 pm, going home to watch TV, and sleeping. It feels like there’s been this energetic, wanting-to-be-in-the-field, overly ambitious and curious person “in the making”, and she's just waiting to be let out. But I’m running out of patience. What am I waiting for?
I really want to make a difference. I want to save a life. I want to meet someone who has done something amazing (anything amazing) that he/she would be remembered for even after they die. I want to do something special like go somewhere where I can help people (or even just one family…person…child) overcome poverty. I don’t want to just give money to the Red Crescent and get praised by society. I want to actually be there, see what it’s really like, and actually FEEL. I want to travel. I want to meet people of all cultures and customs. I want to be in a different country and actually live there and take pictures, and have stories to tell. Most of all, I want to learn. I want to learn SO MUCH. But living here I’m becoming like the people around me: I’m refusing what I know little about as something I shouldn’t know about. I don’t see me as “alive” when I sit at home, watch TV, and wait for a rich dude to propose. Plus, what if I marry someone who is not in the least bit interested in that stuff? I know I’m totally going against the spoilt, pampered, lazy princess waiting-to-be-swept-off-her-feet persona that most people around me are accustomed to, but these thoughts have been harassing me for ages now. I know I’M JUST 19. I’ve heard this over and over and OVER again. People say that AS IF my life is going to be different when I’m 20,21,22,23….IT’S GOING TO BE JUST THE SAME. People say that like once I’m older I’m going to overcome this need to want to be out in the world. I WILL NOT. I will still have the urge to learn, but it will be muddled up in bitterness and resentment because I never got a chance to do it.
I want to be unlike all the girls around me (and day by day I discover that I am becoming more and more superficial, uncaring, and unaware of what is going on outside this bubble) and leave this life that has been all planned out for me: I want to realize my own course in life, and I’m really discontented living everyone else’s idea of how I should live my life.
If I stay here I’ll drown.

Sick Before Exams

I’ve been feeling so bad for wawie being sick…right before exams…I didn’t envy her. I have exams this week.
And guess what? I’M SICK. (cough) (cough).
Somehow wawie seems to have passed on her infection all the way to me through some sort of energy vibes, even though I was completely sympathetic for her condition. I blame wawie totally!
Hehehe no actually, but at least now I know how she feels ;(
Please pray for the both of us to get it together b4 time comes for serious study work. I don’t wanna be sick. (tear)*.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah (major load of tears)*.
HOPE YOU ALL GET INFESTED WITH FEVER AND FLU!!!!! I HATE YOUR HEALTHY BODIES!!!!!!!!!
(Sorry…that was the virus talking).

Thankful

(A poem I wrote when I was 15)

I’d like to thank a few people in my life
My mother who was always willing to provide
More than she could afford
My brother who was always there by my side
Yet lived to his own accord
My grandmother, who was always filled with advice
She had wisdom stacked high on her memory shelf
My father who, in his absence, was wise
In teaching me how to depend on myself
But above all, I’d like to thank you
For teaching me how to become the woman I am
You have filled my life with all goodness and virtue
And in it, taught me how to become as thankful as I am

NOOB POEM
Now, the cynical critic in me JUST HAD TO mock this poem…bit by bit
I’d like to thank a few people in my life
(I must’ve thought I was at an award ceremony or something)
My mother who was always willing to provide
More than she could afford
(Nobody takes money off his or her mom as much as Ali and I do!)
My brother who was always there by my side
Yet lived to his own accord
(Meaning he was only nice when he wanted something)
My grandmother, who was always filled with advice
She had wisdom stacked high on her memory shelf
(Sometimes a bit tooo high)
My father who, in his absence, was wise
In teaching me how to depend on myself
(Can u just FEEL the bitterness??)
But above all, I’d like to thank you
(I honestly can’t remember who ‘you’ was!!)
For teaching me how to become the woman I am
(Obviously I thought I was all fully grown and stable, but don’t all 15 -year-olds think that?)
You have filled my life with all goodness and virtue
(PLEASE!)
And in it, taught me how to become as thankful as I am
(Honestly though, if only I could remember who the ‘you’ was...I’d be much more grateful!)

Hitting Women

I’m, as a rule, an airhead. I sit around talking non-sense, reading non-sense, listening to non-sense, and basically enjoying my life. But every once in a while something passes by me that hits home, and for some reason I get really worked up about it. Just recently I read this article that a journalist wrote, and it touched upon a topic that I feel quite passionate about.
This guy wrote about an evening that he had spent out late with his friends. They were sitting in a room playing cards, talking, and somehow a man admitted: I hit my wife. The admission of guilt could have ended at that, but no, he decided to add in his defense: but so what? It happens in all homes.
God I was so outraged to read that.
And the journalist said, he was in such shock, as these were his close friends, and he could not imagine them doing such a debasing, undignified thing to a woman. He asked all 6 of them if they had ever hit a woman in their lives, and 5 out of 6 said yes. Yes, they did hit women. And the 6th one? Well, heheheh, he wasn’t married. He professed that he used to cry silently whenever he heard his father hit his mom. But then he added (much to my disappointment), that although his father hit his mom, he had never seen a man love and pamper a woman like his father did his mom. Basically, even if you love your wife, you get to hit her.
And the unexpected part was, the journalist had a skeleton in the cupboard that he owned up to: and after he had done it and shaken off the horrid rage trance he was in, much to the shock of his wife, he went to the toilet and cried his heart out.
Why do men hit? Those guys said that women liked it, and that a woman needs a man to show her his “muscle”. They also said that sometimes the women would drive them so mad she would actually earn a slap in the face.
So what happens when a man drives a woman absolutely mad? Where does it say that men are allowed to hit women when they get them angry, and never the other way around? And those men answered the question saying: I’d cut her hand off if she laid a finger on me.
Is that it? Is it because men are ‘stronger’ then they have earned the right to hit a woman? Has a relationship become so hardhearted and insensible that now we believe we ‘own’ the person we are with? And that gives us full ownership of their body? Nobody has a right to hit. Nobody. It just doesn’t work that way.
The truth is, I think the fact that a woman is capable of controlling herself and not degrading her husband by hitting him just proves that it is the woman who is stronger, and that it takes an extremely, incredibly weak man trying to prove himself “manly” if he hits his wife.

Student Council

Yeeeeeeeey! I just got elected President of the Student Council, and my amazing friend Hanadi is the Vice President. Things are great. No more Culture Club bullshit…No More Ms.A bullshit…no more gossip..no more talk..no more paranoia..no more confusion. God, I never thought I would actually be happy to quit as the Culture Club President. Man, if there’s so much chaos and backstabbing within a tiny baby uni of no more than 1,500 students, how the hell am I going to face the real world?
Anyway, congratulate me (even though I only won by two votes, and Hanadi was actually rooting for Vice President cuz she didn’t want to be President), but hell…I’m happy.

My weekend with Maha

I spent the weekend with my cousin Maha. It was amazing. I always like it when she comes over. She’s so calm and easy going. I’d be like: let’s do (something something), and she’d be like: great. Then I’d be like: naaah, let’s do (this and this) instead, and she’d be like: sure. And I’d say: forget that, let’s jump off a cliff, and she’d be like: ok, why not? Loool. Funny woman. Anyway, we saw this lady who read hands (and faces, apparently), and it was astonishing how good she was at it.According to our beliefs, I know we shouldn’t believe her but it was hilarious and dangerously close to the truth. In fact, I can't remember one thing she said that was not true. But the point is, it was amusing.Now, I won’t spill out Maha’s secrets (you need to ask her yourselves) but I can tell you what she said about me: I am materialistic, I am attracted to power and wealth, and I am very practical in my love life (meaning, guys: no wealth and power, no thanx…simple). Like I said, I have to marry a much older rich guy hehehe… I need the whole I’m his youngest girl, I am the last love of his life, I am pampered and spoiled (the fact that I would inherit him does not sound too bad either heheh).
Point is, this girl was good at reading us, and it was fun watching the girls around us one by one ask about their love lives and roar with laughter whenever the 'psychic' came close to the truth. All in all, we had a nice lazy weekend, an uproarius Saturday, and now my little angel face cutie pie njooli njooli Maha is gone....Back to work. Still, all my friends adore her and I'm really glad I took her to Uni. Besides that: AL AIN IS BORING PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME GET OUT hehehe. (yah, the psychic did say something about me "getting out" so now I'm totally convinced I need to travel...hehe).

Wedding Bills

MY COUSIN IS GETTING MARRIED THIS SUMMER. I’m in very high spirits. In point of fact, 2 of my cousins r gettin married this summer, bt I’ve never met 1 of them (even tho I am attending the wedding). But I’m happy all the same. I get to gussy up and revamp and all…
The cousin I know who’s getting married is beyond doubt a really agreeable person, and deserves all the best. But I do have a bone to pick: HOWCOME EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED? Isn't it just a waste of money? Yes, I AM TOTALLY MATERIALISTIC, and I would not spend that much money just to have to do the same old routine again, except this time with someone else to add to the baggage. 1 week ago my cousin Ruqy got married (she’s 19), not too long ago 2 cousins of my cousins got married (separete weddings, NOT to each other) and they’re in their late teens/early twenties too. 2 months ago (on Valentine's day)my gorgeous cousin had a beautiful wedding (her brother is the one getting married in the summer). A few months before that another 2 cousins of mine (early twenties) had a double wedding. 2 grooms, 2 brides, and a WHOLE lot of people. Btw, I’m not counting the weddings in which the brides/grooms were over 25. 25 is fine. Younger then that and it needs to be mentioned. Aren’t you enjoying the single life? Marriage is really overrated. I mean, living with the same person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Just thinking about it frustrates me. I think I’d get bored too quick. Or maybe I’ll marry the most UNPREDICTABLE person in the world and live in total randomness…and happiness. Or maybe just marry a really rich old dude, so I can truly say that I would be the one he spends the rest of his life with. Hehe. He has to be rich cuz what’s the point of marrying just plain old?
On a more serious note: Congrats, coz, hope you don’t take any word I say seriously, and wish you all the happiness in the world. About time, too. I was looking for a reason to go buy a new gown.

Venting

I have this professor; lets call her Ms. A, who drives me absolutely MAD. For those who know me, you know I hardly ever get angry (apart from on my brother, but he’s an exception- he’s a big boy, he can handle the temper tantrums). So I don't get angry. Offended, maybe. But I don’t tell the person, and pretend they never said it. Yet somehow her presence makes me wanna GNASH MY TEETH. This woman (and yes, here we a have a full grown woman competing with 18 year olds): She’s astonishingly self-indulgent, childish and immature, and I have been unsurpassed in my ability to ignore her, but for some reason she manages to get on my nerves. My friends think it’s sad that I don’t answer her back (like they do), but I used to think: it’s not worth my time or energy. Why bother? Its not like she’s gonna change. But I think I’ve been going on about this the wrong way. She steps on a lot of feet, and has managed to create her own hate-club in uni. But for some reason, I have put up with it. And now I’m fed up. She seems to think I’m a coward (could it be because I don’t bother answering her back?) but not anymore. She really thinks she is a woman of some influence, and I hated that I thought she was annoying, but apparently there is NO ONE who likes her. How do you get like that? Do you start off being a perfectionist, and then move on to picking on others, and then move on to this paranoid, mistrustful, suspicious persona in which you think EVERYONE is ganging up against you? Anyway, I’ve been quiet for a few months now, so sorry for boring you with this, but a girl’s gotta vent.Quote of the day: A sharp tongue sometimes cuts its own throat.